12 maart 2025

its 18:45 which means i have 15 minutes to wordvomit out some thoughts on this page before i go to bed (ive been trying real hard to stick to my 8h sleep every night schedule, which unfortunately means going to bed at 7 so i can get up at 3:30 to go to the gym before my shift.
its been a lot of trial and error and tetrissing things to get everything into my schedule but i hope it will get easier within the next couple weeks.

im likely not signing up to atsusacon as a vendor this year.
its only like half an hour from my house this year but i want a timeframe where i can have some peace of mind before starting school in september and not feel like i have to pump out new merch.

im looking forward to artfight this year tho!

also i just started to get sniffly again. pls allergies stay away :(

i'd love to get back into running but i feel like if i have to shoehorn that into my daily planning im just going to burn out. so alas, tis with a heavy heart that i must post pone my half marathon training to the second half of the year :[

got grocery shopping planned tomorrow hehe im going to bulk buy so many foods.
i fuckn love doing grocery shopping. (colruyt only. any other grocery store makes me overstimulated asf.

also. (last note i prommy) my voice has been lowering a bunch and i didnt realise that i have to kind of....change the way i talk now? idk its cool but it feels weird.

(i might start including a vid in every entry, ive been listening to some of these genshin/starrail playlists. i havent played since fontaine came out but i like these theyre fun)



6 maart 2025

i am fighting demons (going through puberty at 25)

bro i have been horny 24/7 since my last T shot, when my date comes over sunday i better get my brain blasted through the back of my cranium or im going to imploooode

idk if this is weird but sometimes he's giving me egg vibes. like, transfem but doesnt know it yet. hes so much more in touch with his emotions and his sensitive side, im not used to that but its really nice. like, dating someone i dont constantly have to educate on everything, blessing fr.

ive also been out the gym since wednesday (5 days now) im probably going back tomorrow or the day after for an arms+cardio day because i dont want to stall my progress too much. tattoo has been healing up fine so far but i dont want to risk too much since the basic fit is like a germs breeding ground lol. (they fixed the leg press finally tho yay)

27 februari 2025

it feels like i wrote the last entry just yesterday because my days have been just to filled to the brim. lately i've barely had any time at all to catch my breath and im spread pretty thin.
Overall im doing okay but i have a hard time getting work, commuting, working out, meal prepping, cooking dinner and doing housekeeping and laundry and getting 8 hours of sleep all into my weekly planning. most days i try to be in bed by 7 or 8 but i noticed i still struggle with the habit of staying up later than my bed time and i end up getting closer to 6 or 7 hours of sleep a night instead of my intended 8. (rip gains)

i also tend to forget a lot of things, not because of procrastination but just because im constantly busy and if i dont write it down somewhere ill come back to it i will just straight up forget about it. maybe i should make a list uhhhhhhh i have to

i got more probably but this is all i can think of for now

On the dating side of things i do kinda miss my previous guy...like theres moments i lowkey wish i didnt ask to go on a break because it was always good and fun when we were together but i just didnt feel any fulfillment from the stretches of time where we couldnt meet in person and had to make do with online chats.
i feel more chemistry with the guy im seeing now but he doesnt have the same confidence and its made me realise i dont really have the patience to do slow burn, like if i like you and you like me why are we not shagging already. boring.

anyways. i will probably wait around for him to open up more because i genuinely enjoy him and think hes a cool person but i just miss the physical side of the relationship rn and its making me antsy.

also havent seen my roommate in like two days?? where tf are they????

oh ive been listening to this persons youtube mixes a lot since exam period last year, i love the music its rlly calming.




22 februari 2025

i havent had a lot of time to work on coding website stuff lately. ive been super busy lately with working flil time, getting my workouts in and just housekeeping and living life in general.

a bunch of stuff happened too. i dated this guy for a little bit but after like two months i didnt want to put up with the mental stress of seeing someone long distance where our online communication styles were too different to make it work. it was nice while it lasted tho and im glad we're just staying friends now.

i have a date tonight which im actually pretty excited about, the guy im seeing has been such an all around green flag and leaves me the absolute nicest most adorable text messages :)

i also have my tattoo appointment with tessa von coming up which im suuuuuuuuper stoked about. ive been waiting forever to get work done by her. ive had this appointment booked since october last year, we're doing a leg piece spread over two days, i might post a picture here when its done or healed, ill see.

for the rest i dont have all that much to report, oh i've been on T for almost two months now! very cool very cool! most notable changes so far have been bottom growth, insane amount of chest and back acne (help) and feeling out of touch asf with my cycle (help) but im happier now than ive been in a long time. cheers to that! i literally remember last year during winter i wolid just cry every day because i thought i was never going to get help or get off that stupid waitlist so comparing that to how i feel now is like great progress lol. im not really seeing the gradual changes yet but Z said my jawline looks more defined and R said my nose looks more defined. i think thats because i look in the mirror every day so gradual changes like that are harder to keep track off. ohwell.

anyway im still going to the gym before my date tonight but its raining again. man.

im ready for rain/hail/snow slop season to be overrrrrr i hate biking in the rain




5 januari 2025

Ive had a lot going on in the end of 2025 but also not at all, im still passing most of my days bedrotting bcs i find it difficlit to break out of a routine ive built on my comfort but i recently went out of my way to start running again. i like running because i dont have to think while doing and it makes me forget about the guilt i feel for being unproductive. which ive been for like...half a year now. i have this year now that i just dont know how to fill up and i missed the academic sign-on period so im just floundering. feeling like i need to look for a job but also completely and utterly unmotivated by that prospect. im just lucky im in this with a roommate who i really care about and makes me want to do better for myself even if its hard.

i also started dating again and after a bunch (2) botched attempts at first dates with guys that left me confused and guessing at what they wanted from me i pretty much struck gold on a guy whos a total sweetheart. thing is im incredibly unpracticed at the art of 'dating' (i havent dated since i was like 19 and sort of lost interest since then) so i once more have no fucking clue what im doing. i can just make it up as i go.

justβ€” god please dont let me fumble this man.

other than that i dont have a ton going for me right now.

i set a bunch of new years resolutions. get my drivers license, run my first 10K race (i ran 8k the other day getting back into running and almost crippled myself bcs i forgot to stretch after), get a new tattoo (already booked lets fucking go) among a bunch of other things.

im hearing a lot of 2026 is going to be THE year for us but im feeling slow and lethargic.

i have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow with my endo and afaik i will be getting my HRT prescription tomorrow? fuckin hype.

oh and its been snowing a bunch since yesterday.

i love snow




13 november 2025

Ive been on the couch all day so to get away from the couch-rot-despair im typing up another post.

Ive been struggling with procrastination more lately, which isn't a new thing by any means, but it has been getting worse which tends to come with the rise of seasonal depression. I tend to couch rot a lot when the weather sucks total ass and just have more days where the only thing i manage to do is maintain my basic body functions like eating, shitting, sleeping and basic hygiene.

I feel bad because a lot of aspects of my life suffer under rlie of this couch-rot version of me, i barely feel the need to text people at all so my social life takes a dunk. i feel a lot less energised in general because i only go out when i have to and im now also unemployed with no direction to my days.

that last one is causing me a bunch of stress since i basically have no plan for what to do now. i graduated from a concept art course last year which im really glad i did but with my follow up course falling through i had no plan B at all and now im a ship lost at sea.
I still don't know if theres a chance i might go back for the same course next year if they start it up again but the point stands that 2025-2026 is a empty year in my academic calendar.

Im going to try to get a part time job and start my side hustle up again next spring just so i have something to do that puts bread on my table, after that im still not sure what im going to do.
i feel like at this point most people my age bagged a bachelors or masters degree or have steady jobs and despite having achieved some significant feats i still feel like im floundering, trying to catch up to other peoples achievements.

I know most people don't have their life together at 25 but every day im deepening the ass-indent on my couch is a day that i lost that i havent been 'productive' or worked on realising my dreams.
which is causing me a lot of stress now that i think about it.

This all sounds rather depressing but im just going through my thought cycle that i usually bring to my psychologist, my last appointment got cancelled and the change in routine is throwing me pretty bad so im trying to metabolise my own doomthinking cycle and self-helping my way through it until i can go back in december. (yay!) Im trying to write a lot of my thoughts down whenever i have enough energy to and it does help. i still have to find a way to keep myself accountable with the whole procrastinating thing in case it gets worse.

im also going to try this new thing where i just make a big large humongous list of every single notable thing i have to do or catch up with and just try to focus on one thing per day. and break the to-do down into smaller points to make tasks more manageable. im not sure how well this is going to work but i'll try to update on how thats going here later.





25 oktober 2025

yo, this is going to be another small entry.
the only time i find myself able to write a diary entry lately is when im super tired.

Got some good news earlier this week that my therapist is finally willing to book me an appointment with endo, which means i might get to start hormone replacement therapy soon!
well...soon being start of next year maybe? it sounds long when i say it like that but it'll be there fast. man im really excited for this :]

On a less positive note i feel my seasonal depression settling in, i have a lot less energy on a day to day basis to do things which is a bummer.

also this coming monday im starting a new job, its nothing fancy but im glad i can have something steady to pay my bills off again. im curious how it will go

in the meantime ive been doing drawtober, which has been a lot of fun!
i'm doing it together with my housemate, its nice to show each other our takes on the prompts and keep each other accountable.
We're also planning on bundling our finished pieces to produce a collab drawtober zine.

i've been a bit behind on the last two prompts but heres what i got so far!









aaand thats all i have energy for tonight. i have like a zillion other life updates, ill get to them some other time.




5 september 2025


working on a commission i wanted to finish a while ago. i like how its turning out so far, very fairytale blorbos in love vibes.

decided super last minute to join my housemate to the cosplay festival at the japanese gardens, i still have to brush out my wig and decide what im going to wear. makes me want to invest in a cosplay again.
i wolid really like to do nahida, she seems like afun character to cosplay.

im wondering who ill run into tomorrow.


we went to ikea this morning and i was super happy they had pet pillows exactly like the ones we were about to throw out bcs they were so old n dusty.
we'll be bringing the cats home the day after tomorrow. im so excited to have them with me again. i think sam will really like the huge scratching post we have :)


its the end of august and everyone is moving in the uni quarters in Gent, theres people haliing fridges, desk chairs, matresses, decorative plants and whatever other start of the schoolyear essentials there are.

i just got back from my monthly psychologist appointment at the university hospital.
we broke small ground on some topics, went over some others again.
my psychologist put my case forward to the gender team, they denied my request to start hormone therapy.
well, they postponed it but it came across as a refusal. i think i held it together well.

she explained nicely to me that its about damage control. because people who know themselves have a better transitioning experience. and i nodded nicely because i understand that.

i already contacted my old psychologist about restarting appointments with her again because thats a non negotiable for them, for starting HRT.

good news is that i might be able to move my cats in with us sooner than expected.





21 augustus 2025

i have to start planning my trip to marrakech at some
point so nows a good time.
mainly wanna scout for some plant based places to eat and maybe some local shops.

we're probably going to spend a whole day at the souks (i honestly just want to get some fun stuff to decorate the house and a bunch of spices and stuff wolid be nice) and we might plan a day trip into the mountains.

gonna just drop a bunch of links to places that seem worthwhile here

oh also i realised all these places are advertising in french so im going to have to brush up on that before we go aughg

✦. ──────── .✦

some concept store ──── .✦
(its called 'some' yall im not being ignorant!!1)

kui zin ──── .✦
a food spot i wanna visit if its not too far! this one looks rlly nice!

Cafe des epices ──── .✦
another food spot in medina.
they serve authentic morrocan breakfast n stuff. yum.

simple ──── .✦
a restaurant with plant based food options! huzzah!

nomad ──── .✦
restuarant with plant based food options, moderm moroccan cuisine

world storytelling cafe ──── .✦
a vegan cafe in the medina!! wwaaa!
ok this one looks so fun, apparently they have like a storytelling festival in january?

le jardin ──── .✦
this looks like a slightly fancier place but god the menu is making my mouth water... must go hrngg

broc the kasbah ──── .✦
veggie/vegan place with a concept store next to it! fun!

al nashama ──── .✦
jordanian food!

henna art cafe ──── .✦
this looks like such a fun activity.




20 augustus 2025


baked cookies and started a new dnd character design for a one shot my housemate invited me to next week.
wanted to make something original so after some brainstorming i ended up with a pygmy giff lion dancer bard lol

cw for character nudity but heres a wip of the design so far.
i sholidve probably done more iterations beforehand but i get hella impatient when designing characters for myself idk.

i still have to get back to commissions and working on some merch projects for future cons.





18 augustus 2025

Its been a while since i last had diary entries here but i want to make a semi regliar habit of it again at least.

its been a suuuper busy summer so far, last week i moved in with my roommate, whom ill probably refer to as R here for convenience and anonimity's sake
and its been really nice so far!

Until now (from since i was 15) i've always lived either by myself in dorms and small apartments and for a short while in 2021 i also moved in with my mom for a few years in a slightly bigger apartment. which was nice to share costs and have company but i havent always enjoyed being around her 24/7.

So living with someone else is a nice change of pace

its for a relatively period tho so i cant help keeping in the back of my mind where im going to go and what im going to do once this term ends, which feels slightly depressing since our contract hasnt even properly started yet but im already thinking of whats after this but it feels like the responsible thing to do (to keep in mind at least. for my own sake.)
even though i know thats theres probably a 100 things that colid still change in the years we spend living together

Im also excited at the prospect of moving my cats in with us in fall.
it's going to be a scare for them to move from the place theyre used to but ive really missed them this year and i think the extra space will do them good.

Im also moving to a new course in september,
last june i finished my 1yr concept art course which has been so much fun.
i met a ton of lovely friends there and its been the only course ive been able to find that has actually been worthwhile.
im only sad i didnt know about it sooner

all in all id say that its given me the determination to really work on getting into the art industry.
So this year im taking a follow up year to master 3D art to have a wider skill base to plil from when applying for jobs or creating my own work

initially i didnt think i wolid like 3D modelling enough to dedicate a whole year to learning it but all in all, the one 3D modlie i had the past year did enough to plil me in. its hard but not so hard that i think i colid never do it or anything
so off to another year it is

i also have a couple people from past year joining in the follow up year which is really nice to have some familiar faces starting off but im very interested to see what the new group of people will be like

oh and i also got a new tattoo two days ago, its like super epic. watch


top one is old, bottom one is fresh

artist is yara.noe on instagram