06 juli 2026
t leven is bon
i just booked my bus ticket to go see my pookie...the boy im dreaming about....hansomest loveliest sweetiest pie.
im gonna go insaaaaaaneeeeee yyeaaaaeaaagaggggh. anyway.
i went to the con yesterday and got a bunch of fun stuff, talked to a lot of friends and had a great time all around. personally i think atusa is one of those cons where it isnt really about the con itself but its more the same people who show up time and again, big gathering of pals and pookies.
just spent a bunch of time deep cleaning the kitchen, like getting inside cupboards and cleaned out the entire fridge n stuff, will continue tomorrow but i wanna finally get to doing my artfight attacks now!!!
04 juli 2026
when life gives you lemons
bro my week just keeps getting better! my bike got stolen thursday and i got fired today, like, no notice dont come back next week type shit. bro i hope my boss' dog shits in her shoe and i hope she reads this (she wont)
real reaction footage of me going to my boss asking her about my time off in august and her telling me actually we're firing you.
anyway i was planning on quitting in august anyways so im not too broken up over it but it does set me back like an entire months wage so im definitely going to need to open some commissions this and next month to get by and get my rent. ill post some info about those in a little bit but its p much midnight now so im going to leave that for monday.
im going to atsusa tomorrow as a bit of a distraction and to see all my pals and besties :D
also this means i might be able to meet up with pookie sooner than august. when life gives you lemons yknow.
i did start a bunch of art fight attacks today at work, going to try to finish those up soon (theyre just little doodles on little papers but theyre all i could manage during my shift) really excited to have more time to spend on artfight rn actually hehe :]uhhh what else, i still gotta properly plan my vacation, theres a bunch of people i want to hang out with and catch up with that i havent seen in so long. i miss hanging out with friends...
im also officially enrolled into nursing/healthcare school now! i still have to make a bunch of things in order like getting my uniform and get my Hepatitis B shot n get a copy of my criminal record (clean) before i can go on internships during my first semester but im so hyped about going to college finally, at the ripe age of 26. but yknow better now than never right.
i think im just going to shower and do my hair before i head to bed bcs i wanna be a little bit rested for the con tomorrow.
anyway tip of the day! if you wanna feel some dopamine just take off your glasses for like an hour and put them back on and you will be like "waw!! i can see again!! yay!" (this only works if you have dogshit vision like me) i only break this one out in the most dire times but it kinda works (its so depressing) (but it works)
28 juni 2026
went to the pool with my roommate today and had such a great time, didnt do a ton of swimming but thats not what its about right.
ate a salad, had a nap in the baking sun and felt like waking up from a coma after. like the good kind of nap.
drove past a farm on the way home and saw some pretty flowers and bought a cherry tart.
going to try to work on my painting for the remainder of the day!
update, i just spent half an hour mixing colored spackle to go on my painting but it wouldnt come out of the piping tip? im not sure why this is, ive used this technique before and it worked, maybe its the paint i used to color the spackle that made it stiffen up quicker? ill look into it later but i dont feel like mixing a new batch rn because it takes a while and theres a lot of cleanup work. thank god i bought a respirator this time too bcs that shit smells so foul.
27 juni 2026
thinking thoughts, its one of those days again where i kinda wanna lay back and relax and maybe catch up with art ive been meaning to make, work on my paintings, make artfight references, write a letter to pookie and everything but i have housekeeping thats waiting to be done, emails i need to reply to and bills i need to pay and i cant get to it all and it makes me feel extremely guilty and i dont know what to do about it.
also this, random thought
i made a separate bsky for sfw stuff and posting random stuff thats not art related bcs i only had one for nsfw artposts n i feel weird interacting with sfw art accounts on it
i kinda want to pick up some commission in august to help pay for the things i need for school in september but im also scared i wont get a single commission bcs ive always kinda had trouble getting comms. ill get a few of them at conventions but i feel like for my digital pieces my prices are just too high and i dont really have a following that consists of people willing to pay money for custom art, idk. like ive gotten a few commissions from friends in the past but thats been about it and i dont really know how to build on that.
anyway after i get the laundry and the dishes and maybe clean upstairs. (bathroom and hallway need a cleaning desperately too) i might go for a cheeky swim in the lake, ill see..... also wanna get to caulking my painting today but i might work more on the base first bcs its easier to paint first and caulk after than the other way around.
24 juni 2026
spent the entire afternoon crafting amyway heres what i made.............little nahyon felt doll for pookie (im totally not in love wtf are you talking about)
and hat, for my larp character, bell
theres so much hot glue.........
22 juni 2026
another weekend passed. the past week has been so chaotic but i gotta start planning for the vacation, i have the third week of july off for the larp i go to. i still need to fix transport and write a bunch of material for my character and order some props but overall i do very little preparation work for this event bcs i like to improvise in general when larping.uhhh what else what else. i still have to finish my artfight card, im making my own because i dont fw any of the team colors this year, like the themes are cool!!! but im kind of a primary colors hater :/ like if it doesnt have pinks or pastels im going to need to change it up. (team comedy tho. rise up.)(i changed my mind like 15 times)
im also antsing for my boss to come back from her vacation so i can actually ask the first week of august off so i can spend a few days with the handsomest prettiest guy in germany and go on cute dates with him and feed him actual good food that isnt potatos and garlic bread. (bombastic side eye)
im looking in my planner and i think i might just work for one week in august because i actually really want the two weeks before september first off so i can have some actual vacation before school starts. i thought it was going to start later in september but no we start on september first. i visited two schools i had choice between and one of them was considerably newer and fancier but it also just felt a lot more...idk sterile? the other school i informed at was a lot smaller too, apparently they only have around 200 students and since half the course is internship based theres usually only around 100 students on campus on average days.
ah man im gonna be so out of it but im actually really excited about going back to school. like i didnt study anything after graduating highschool because i didnt really know what, so im glad i waited til i found something i want to give my best shot at. (which is not art, like thats something thats so inherently a part of what i do its needless to say this is something i will be doing for the rest of my life but i also want to explore other avenues in life that dont revolve around that)
oh i also dyed my hair for the first time in like...9 years? its been a journey but fun!! i feel like im finding color again in my life and its been sm fuuun :] me when i am just a joyful lil guy. anyway look at this sweater i got. i wanted to get the blue and pink one aswell but it was too pricey...even on sale...
it was way too hot to shop for sweaters but for winter??? this is gonna bang
considering opening commissions again at some point so i can get a new laptop, doesnt have to be fancy, just one i can bring to school for homework and stuff because my current one is in such a state that i cant bring it anywhere its just going to fall apart.
20 juni 2026
hellooo ive been meaning to add a diary entry for the longest time but the past few weeks have been bat shit insane busy. im just opening this tab so i can get to it later and wont forget about it (i might)
also making a short list of places i should add to my vegan food review page
- quetzal (visited with mel)
- antoinnette (owner was so nice, talked about food blog with her
- pizzaro (was ok, vegan upcharge for the whole pie was kinda meh tho
- moochie (went back after years of not going and redescovered my love for froyo. the place in antwerp has regular issues with their soy froyo machine so the possibility of eating smth here is not always guaranteed
- funk (very hipstery, pricy but the baked goods are so banger
- sukoon (still mean to visit. theyre a customer from the place where i work
- burr bakery ( went here once to get breakfast for work. also pricey and hipstery and they dont have any inhouse vegan baked goods but they carry some vegan stuff from noona which was nice
also i just remembered i met regula ysewijn at work yesterday and she was so joyful and beautiful but i was so distracted and emotional i didnt even have it in me to fangirl about her books to her. man.
oh i did go out to Tcafe aswell, talked a bit with joanna and sky and some other people. im intrigued by the puppygirl table, they seem so nice but i still get a little socially smitten when i go there bcs last time i visited was a year ago. i hope i can make it more often.
Random offhand thoughts
love isnt found, you make it (learned this from a wise old goat)
11 juni 2026
i met a man......................crypitc and vague but oh my gueod am i down stratospherically baaadddddd. (idk if pookie reads my blog but if u do hi haiii heyy)5 juni 2026
im having one of those days where im feeling super overwhelmed. like simply the task of eating three meals a day and keeping my house clean seems like an immense undertaking that takes me way longer and more energy than it should.
sometimes i feel like im living in a different plane of existence where time passes faster than it does for neurotypical people because how else is it that other people can get all these things done in a day and go to bed feeling fulfilled.
atp i feel like i need to get like a bunch of days off every month at least to get a reset, clean my house and do all my chores that get left behind during the week because i simply dont have the time or energy to get to them. and im expected to keep up with my social life and hobbies and exercise while doing all that?? i do my best but some days it feels impossible.
ive been forgetting so many things too lately i feel like im running around with my head not attached.
i think ill quit my job a little early (mid august probably so i have some time to rest before school starts) i have so much shit left to figure out but i feel like i need to rest but i also need to work but i also want to spend time on making art or reading books because otherwise ill never get to them and i need to talk to friends because otherwise my friendships will fall apart and i need social interaction and i have to work out because otherwise ill lose momentum in my gym progress and i and and and
4 juni 2026
I really wish trees would leave me alone with their fuckass stupid pollen.
or i should have more self preservation, whenever i get sick im just like ah its not so bad when i literally look and sound like im ready to be cast for world war Z. like no i should be resting!!!!!
tuesday i went to work with rlly bad T shot pain like my ass and my back hurt so bad i had trouble standing all morning so i just slept all afternoon when i got home and i felt better after. then wednesday i started having allergic reactions despite taking my otc meds for it and it went from bad to worse through the day and now im on day 2 of my allergy cycle (it always comes in like 2-3 day cycles) like i really get the feeling the meds dont help.
anyway off to work on my shitbike i go whee.
maybe if i look shitty enough theyll just send me home. wouldnt that be neat.
3 juni 2026
just cleaned, vaccuumed, mopped my room life is good life is good. also maybe if i want to stop triggering my allergies i should stop sitting inside with all the windows and doors in the entire house open wide, just a thought. anyway to do list for the coming days:
- go shopping for my larp character outfit! i submitted my character just on deadline day but im actually happy with what i have going so far.
- order a bunch of hairpins/wands and wand boxes online as character props
- contact the new gym ill be starting in to start my new program
- order groceries
- meal prep. feeling lasagna today
- go gym. my ass is still sore from my T shot but im already a day overdue (i was in bed all afternoon from T flu. dunno if thats an actual thing but i do sometimes feel weak and almost sickly for like a day after my T shot (if i dont rest properly)
- paint :3
- go to the post office to pick up some packages
ive also been feeling some sort of way about my transition lately. ive been on low dose T for 6 months now (woah time flies) and i feel like i look the same as when i started lol. like, ive had lots of positive changes, but like most of them are only noticable to me. like i still look like a passable ciswoman OTL.
like i deliberated on this with my psych on starting low dose because i didnt want to overwhelm myself with sudden rapid change. and last month endo gave me the go-ahead to increase my dose but i had to see a different psych for two months because my regular is on leave for OP revalidation and she was like woah hold your horses naybe think twice about wether you actually wanna do that (endo did not discuss them giving me clearance to increase my dose with psych team and they were not happy about that. raahhh grr rhebvdevfhb) (anyway) (whatever) so i ended up just staying on half dose and will discuss it with barb. later.
but anyways ive noticed some decent pec growth the past few weeks its nice. (i really gotta start doing more chest focused exercises bcs i want to build a decent chest. like i dont want it to be sad and flat after getting top surgery. i wanna keep my shelf!!!just no boobs. u get it.)
31 mei 2026
im finally breaking in my new moka pot...coffee time. today is the last day i have to submit my larp character backstory, i likely wont write one or ill keep it very short because i honestly just like to play characters for the bit and try to keep backstory stuff to a minimum, last year i literally just had "valley girl bimbo accountant who got bit by a werewolf hookup." that was the backstory.
this year itll just be "groovy wand salesman with economic world domination aspirations" which brings me to the fact that i still need to pick up supplies to make a fuckload of wands....i might go around today to pick up a bunch of sticks, i spotted a big pile of tree trimmings somewhere in the industry area the other day that were laying in the sun drying nice and crispy, which makes them perfect for carving into.
so im going to take my pruning shears (i dont have a lopper + too big and clunky anyways) and check that out.
i also missed the gym AGAIN yesterday fml fml so im going in a little bit. im going to try to get an intake with a local PT gym to start training with them. they also offer help with meal plans which seems nice but i dont know how well they do with vegan food so im still on the fence about that.
im still in the process of writing my own meal plan but i havent had a lot of time to spend on that, most days im just happy if i have enought time and energy to get 3 meals and snack in that hit my protein goal of the day. i also been wanting to order the vegan barebells but i want to try them first and they only come in boxes of 12 of every flavour :/ ohwell.
- shower, dye hair
- clean bathroom after the hairdye incident
- do groceries (i mainly need to get fresh fruit, maybe some stuff for the toilet)
- work out
- dishes
- laundry + ironing
- uhhhhh T SHOT.. i knew i was forgetting something (nurse couldnt make it tonight so hes coming tomorrow at 7 before i leave for work)
- collect sticks
- clean room
- submit larp character backstory
- thats it i think? might spend some time drawing or writing if i have time left
oh yeah im also planning on starting a new painting, multiple perchance... but i have to stop by the art store and the hardware store (action maybe? i think they got caulk...) and get a new caulk gun, piping bags and tips for ithmmm and maybe another mirror. i got a broken one ill incorporate into it but idk if itll be enough surface area for the amount ill need.
hold on im cooking. you'll see.
27 mei 2026
mfw im just working on my art fight reference sheets but im ovulatingcw poorly censored nsfw art
26 mei 2026
I went to visit the castle garden at kasteel van gaasbeek for my birthday yesterday, it was a lot of fun but again it was soooo hot omfg.
there was a sculpture expo with lots of cool sculptures to look at, i mainly chilled in the orchard underneath the trees and drew some of the ones i thouhgt were neat. there were these bronze cast sculptures of wild animals like wolves and hyenas that i thought were really cool looking, and also some stylised ceramic and cement pieces of female figures but they had proportions so exaggerated they looked like disney moms.
we also brought a picnic but i didnt have time to go make or buy a cake so i just put my lil birthday candles on a sandwich lmaoooo. i dont want to say what i wished for but its a new venture im starting soon and i hope ill be consistent and true to myself to see it through.
my mom got me a bialetti as a gift which im really excited about, ive been wanting one for so long! im going to make an espresso with it after i clean the kitchen! oh and my roommate got me super pretty flowers :] hehe twirling my hair kicking my feet
i was supposed to have a birthday party saturday but i have to work so im going to reschedule if for in june sometime probably
also stopped by gent on the way to catch up a bit with one of my friends, i do miss the people there but not enough to go back i think, im in this weird limbo rn where i have many friends there still but im also building a community here in antwerp. it has grown on me in the past year tho, antwerp, at first i thought it was way too big and metropolitan but ive grown to love it.
24 mei 2026
Almost birthday day
Its sooo hot outside today, im glad the weather has taken a turn tho this is way better than the rainy week before. I went to Tuig today, Mel told me about it yesterday, its a small illustration and graphic design art market in Blikfabriek, i biked there and the ride was rlly nice, i have to go through the industry area but its actually pretty scenic. i didnt get a lot of stuff but there were so many nice and talented artists, ill show a pic below of what i got, just some prints and stickers. one of the artists there also talked me into attending the winter edition if i can make it! sounds like fun :]
i also participated in the life drawing session, the model had these cool arm extention thingies, neat for potential mech design poses.
I meal prepped for the week ahead this morning (pasta with beans, zucchini, tofu and vegan mince) and also made a batch of cookie dough, gonna bake those now (i must add sprinkles. im on a joy and whimsymaxxing streak) and also bake some muffins, maybe a cake ill see!!! chocolate cake sounds soo good rn.....
2 min and 5 min poses from life drawing -
i drew a bunch after i got back from tuig, baked my cookies and ate dinner :) also started drawing a new reference for my sona for artfight... he is nakey rn..gymbro sona.
22 mei 2026
almost weekend
need to head to work in like 5 minutes, i might head to Tcafe after work, ill see.
21 mei 2026
lunch break
on my lunch break rn trying to figure out how my new keyboard works...im so not used to working with non standard azerty keyboards. at least i can code on the go now tho bcs coding with the ipad screen keeb is insufferable.
im also planning on visiting a castle garden for my birthday; theres an art exhibition with lots 400 sculptural works im looking forward to it.
20 mei 2026
endorfins!!!
i went to the gym yaarrrrr yeeeeaaaaahhhh yahjohhhhh :D
today i figured out theres a ladies only area in my local gym thats like 1000% more chill and relaxed than the main area...ive been working out here for 5 months. its also plastered outside the gym in huge letters it literally could not be more obvious, i just never bothered to check. i think ill do most of my workout there for a while bcs i like the privacy more. i dislike that the dumbbels there only go to 20 kg tho :[ guess ill start doing barbell squats instead of dumbbell squats now. welp.
i also went birthday shopping after work today, got a bunch of baking supplies and things for the kitchen, bought myself a pretty silver heart shaped ring and a bunch more fun stuff and snacks. maybe ill include a pic hold on.
i still want to shop for some more cute clothes later but thats going to have to wait some time bcs ill be busy until next week with work and meetups.
19 mei 2026
chillin
got my weekly day off today, i was feeling very sick yesterday but i got a lot of sleep and feel a bit better now so i think ill go to the gym today, its been a week since i last went and i feel bad about it :( idk i just want to keep consistent but with working fulltime i find it hard to find a balance between work and life and still stay consistent with hitting the gym, esp with the hours i work now.
i bought a running wheel for my cats, it should arrive later this week, im very skeptical about them actually using it but ive seen a lot of positive reviews on them online of people with indoor cats using them so i hope my cats will like it.
i also started building on my skincare routine recently, i usually just wash my face with soap and do a day/night cream but im adding other things like serums and lotions and its helping a little! still need to pick up a cream for my acne, the wash i use helps a little bit but not enough.
-
went to see project hail mary in at the cinema, its almost midnight now.
i should probably go to sleep so i dont feel like shit at work tomorrow. i started redesigning my sona! sporty girl era >;3c
17 mei 2026
gender blues and puberty at 25
ive been feeling gross about my body lately. ive been on T for 5 months and its been a trip, since im (still) on half dose its going very slowly for me, the only things that have significantly changed for me have been my voice dropping, its so cracky and im constantly trying to find the right pitch when im talking (its kind of unfortunate, when im at work and im talking to talk to customers and half my words are cutting out because im trying to talk in the octave ive been used to talking with my whole life.) im sure this will even out with time but some voice training or something would be nice, idk.
gym progress has been nice, i really enjoy going and it makes me feel better about myself, im thinking about signing up with a local gym and getting a PT sometime in summer. i need to talk to my psych about top surgery planning before i do tho, i think it'll be good to have that as a point to work towards.
what makes me feel gross most of all is the acne and the puberty centric skin issues that come with ..puberty. like it just makes me feel so insecure and gross.
sometimes when im in the gym im just like 'oh no what if people think im on anabolic steroids' when im working out in a top that shows my acne. ive been using two different topical washes for it to make it go away but its only helping a little bit.
and third im a bit jaded now after getting an STI from someone i slept with without prior checking their background or wether they got tested recently. which is my bad, in part. at least i know now to always check beforehand.
sometimes it gets worse before it gets better and puberty is awkward, but it beats sitting around and doing nothing.
16 mei 2026
tired
just got home from work and did groceries after, cooked myself a big bowl of leftovers and im chilling in bed now. Im going to try to get a bunch of my sunday chores done tonight so my day will be less loaded tomorrow.
i had so many thoughts this morning but after a 9hr day of work i just feel kinda deflated and ready for bed n most of em are already forgotten.
i dont think im made for retail. ive been working in retail since i got out of highschool and i just always end up quitting my jobs because i dont find the type of work fulfilling and it tires me out or overwhelms me. dont get me wrong i love working with people and helping people find what they need n everything but a day entirely comprised of fast paced customer interactions where you never actually get to talk to people drains me so bad.
i also felt like i was getting sick yesterday, slept for 9-10 hours today, woke up feeling better but now im having these weird infected pimples on some spots of my body, ive literally never had these before its weird.
i have two on my elbow, one on my neck, and two on my groin and they hurt really bad. im sure theyll go away eventually but its annoying.
im also making an appointment to get a second dose of antibiotics because my follow up STI test came out positive. i was really hoping it wouldnt fml fml fmllllllll
im going to put my laundry in, shower and put on a movie and chill for the rest of the evening, its been a long week
14 mei 2026
Im home from work because todays a holiday, dont really have anything planned for once which i SO appreciate. i had a date planned but he cancelled which i honestly dont mind bcs i actually need some me time rn. i woke up at around 9, made a chocolate smoothie bowl for breakfast and then started sorting my leftover merch and con supplies and now im updating my site a little. i might still go to the gym later today but its probably going to be busy as hell since everyones home for the holiday.
im going to clean up my con supplies that are strewn over my bedroom and then probably clean the kitchen and maybe work on setting up my artfight for this year. might use notion to keep track of everything, ill see.
oh i also got these bags of candy dates from the mall and they taste so good wtf, i already went back to get more. theyre from this brand called true dates, my favourite flavour so far is the sour apple one, they taste more apple-y than any other apple candy ive ever had.
i do think you need to like the taste of dates to enjoy these but i generally dont eat candy/gelatin candy and these are a nice alternative! (they might be a bit too addicting tho bcs its so easy to finish a bag in just one sitting holy moly)
7 mei 2026
thought vomit
putting my thoughts in a bullet point list bcs theyre kinda all over the place, its 2 AM, i woke up a little while ago with a sore throat and made a big pot of lavender and sage tea and ive been sucking on a whole pack of strepsils to make it go down. gotta go get new ones tomorrow.
β’ Im kind of annoyed at my roommate lately because i feel like they havent been pulling their weight around the house when it comes to keeping the place clean and sanitary. i usually clean the upstairs, kitchen and living room and they usually do the bathroom but it hasnt been cleaned in way too long and its getting quite dirty. one of my cats pooped on a pile of their clothes and they needed me to tell them to clean it rather than doing it out of themselves which annoys me aswell. like if you notice somethings dirty or smells off just clean it.
Sometimes i also think its like...noticable that theyre an only child in the sense that they will only take care of their own things like for example, when i do the dishes i just...do the dishes, i wash and dry everything thats in the sink but when they do the dishes they will only clean the plates or cups they used and leave the one i used sitting dirty in the sink. like dont piss me off lmao.
i should probably bring it up at some point bcs its one of those small annoyances that nags at me.
β’ I need to book a new appointment to get an STD test bcs i got treated for an STI two weeks ago. had to be celibate during those two weeks and ive been eating the wallpaper off my walls, that test better come back negative or im going to crash out.
β’ uhhh gender related thoughts lately have been pretty euphoric, feeling good on that front. im trying to find a way to come to terms with the fact that im probably some sort of nonbinary but i dont fuck with the label 'nonbinary'. like i just dont fuck with labels or boxes or identifiers or gender markers in general, the only label ive ever felt comfortable with is 'trans', not trans 'trans man' or 'transmasc' because i dont want to transition from a woman into a man, thats not and has never been my goal. im just transitioning from someone who felt shitty in my body to someome who feels good in their body by changing some of the primary gender markers and thats still a valid transition. working out has helped a lot too. i think its a pretty underrated form of gender affirming care and its been very beneficial to me personally. it also just makes me go WEEE YOPPEE whenever i can move up in weights on literally any exercise lmao.
β’ started another new job last week. ive been job hopping so much this year its not even funny but the place i work out now has been really nice so far, my coworkers are all really nice and the days go by pretty fast. i work at a craft store now and its fun to see everyones craft and art projects to be.
β’ im saving up to buy a new laptop and pay my college tuition fee. my current laptop is falling apart. literally. the hinge broke and the screen and bottom are two separate pieces now theyre barely attached (dont ask me how im typing this) its not even that old idk how it happened. anyway saving money, im taking a break from cons because they take up too much brain space but i might start doing commissions again at some point to help raise some money for that.
β’ need to take my mom out for dinner for mothers day, i feel like i havent appreciated her enough lately. we dont really see eye to eye on most things but shes still my mom and shes done a lot for me in the past. i dont think ill ever go back to actively having her in my life but shes the only family member i still talk to sporadically and i think just a once every few months coffee or dinner together to catch up might be nice. i can make my peace with that.
β’ oh i was at the laundromat tonight to wash my duvet and the washing machine it was in was leaking a bucketload of water while spinning it was really bad, the owner came in to clean it tho. he cleaned the whole place and told me about how the dryer lint that floats around on the floor annoys him and we kinda laughed about it. 15 minutes before closing hes getting ready to leave and i pull my duvet out the dryer and it spilled out a bunch of loose feathers and lint on the floor as i took it out and he like, looked at it, sighed, took off his jacket again and pulled out his vaccuum to start cleaning all the feather again i felt so baddd but i just apologised several times and left...IDK WHAT ELSE I SHOULDVE DONE HGAHGA.
β’ mmmm dating several people has been nice, finding myself catching feelings a lil bit maybe for a punk enby guy im seeing but its still early + no idea where its going.
another guy im seeing is also nice, i like him but so far hes not putting in the amount of effort i want out of someone i want to be seeing on a serious basis idk. its not that my standards are too high its just that hes not showing enough interest to show me that hes actually invested in me. (smth about gamer dudes idk what it is)
im kinda craving a sweet beefy butch lesbian who will make me breakfast while i sleep in and buy me flowers and infodump to me about their niche interest. or a gym bro who gets like REALLY excited about my banana bread and sends me lots of bicep pics. maybe both. both would be good.
β’ i kinda randomly got recruited into a student association last week by a friend of a friend, so i might join them in september bcs i dont know if i have the time or energy to get into it right now, seems fun. we went to see devil wears prada 2 with some people of their group after day one of a small art market i was at on saturday.
went for indian food with sasha after teardown on day 2, also ran into an old classmate whos also doing artist alley now, hes still as awkward as i remember him being but genuinely a nice guy, makes some really cool art and he also commissioned me yay :]
29 april 2026
i was just thinking about how i get jealous of my cats because they have, in my opinion the most chill lifestyle i can imagine. they get fed as much as they need without needing to worry, they have tons of space and can go outside, get lots of pets and cuddles and just kinda lay around without a care. but then i thought that lifestyle also ends with me, if i suddenly cease to be around to care for them then that would undoubtably also change, they would probably go to another home where they get taken care of just as well but it does make me pause to envy cats or by extension other peoples lifestyles who strongly depend on others to be taken care of. makes me think if im my own primary caretaker and can do as much things by myself then i wont need to stress as much about other peoples impact on my quality of life, right? but then again people come and people go, so i should just allow myself to enjoy the benefits and care they bring into my life. i dont know where im going with this. idk maybe this is also dismissive of our human nature of relying on others as a means of survival. theres like a silver lining between living in a vaccuum and being fully independent that im very much figuring out now. i have to figure a bunch of things out how to do without support from family now, which seems something thats easily taken for granted, while also trying to build more community, especially queer community around myself. (which is very slow going but im glad for all the nice people i met in the past few weeks) i hope that one day ill be comfortable letting myself be carried by other people i care about without having to worry about it.
anywaaaay...gym time :D
im going to switch from fullbody workouts to a 4 day training split soon, going to do 2 leg days and 2 upper body days a week because while long workouts are nice, sometimes theyre just harder to fit into my schedule because i need to block out at least 2 hours for it a day.
i also kinda want to try to start getting into calisthenics at some point but thats not really a priority rn, all ill probably do for now is try to maybe incorporate pullups in my upper body days.
04 April 2026
Soms sta ik er wel bij stil dat mijn relatie met mijn ouders vrijwel niet bestaand is, das een gedachte die ver in mijn achterhoofd aanwezig is en bij stille momenten af en toe naar voor treed en elke keer overvalt het mij toch wel. Die gedachte word vrijwel altijd meteen opgevolgd door het proberen relativeren ervan.
ik ben 25 en veel (in mijn hoofd meeste) mensen van mijn leeftijdsklasse zijn ook al het huis uit en doen he zelfstandig prima (ik ook op zich maar ok) en hebben dus hun ouders niet nodig. dus ik zou er ook geen nood aan moeten hebben maar toch.
ik stond er nu net eigenlijk voor het eerst bij stil dat het iets is dat ik effectief mis. gaan eten bij mama en papa of met de familie op uitstap ofzo, das voor zoveel mensen iets gewoons iets alledaags en ik sta er als buitenstaander op te kijken.
en als ik er dan enigzins emotioneel bij word krijgt die gedachte een scherp kantje, en denk ik aan alle smerige herrineringen die ik aan mijn familie heb en dat tint heel mijn gedachtencyclus met een vieze nasmaak en berg ik de hele hoop terug weg voor later. hang er een plaatje voor met een idyllisch tafereel van een familie paasbrunch. netjes.
12 maart 2025
its 18:45 which means i have 15 minutes to wordvomit out some thoughts on this page before i go to bed (ive been trying real hard to stick to my 8h sleep every night schedule, which unfortunately means going to bed at 7 so i can get up at 3:30 to go to the gym before my shift.
its been a lot of trial and error and tetrissing things to get everything into my schedule but i hope it will get easier within the next couple weeks.
im likely not signing up to atsusacon as a vendor this year.
its only like half an hour from my house this year but i want a timeframe where i can have some peace of mind before starting school in september and not feel like i have to pump out new merch.
im looking forward to artfight this year tho!
also i just started to get sniffly again. pls allergies stay away :(
i'd love to get back into running but i feel like if i have to shoehorn that into my daily planning im just going to burn out. so alas, tis with a heavy heart that i must post pone my half marathon training to the second half of the year :[
got grocery shopping planned tomorrow hehe im going to bulk buy so many foods.
i fuckn love doing grocery shopping. (colruyt only. any other grocery store makes me overstimulated asf.
also. (last note i prommy) my voice has been lowering a bunch and i didnt realise that i have to kind of....change the way i talk now? idk its cool but it feels weird.
(i might start including a vid in every entry, ive been listening to some of these genshin/starrail playlists. i havent played since fontaine came out but i like these theyre fun)6 maart 2026
i am fighting demons (going through puberty at 25)
bro i have been horny 24/7 since my last T shot, when my date comes over sunday i better get my brain blasted through the back of my cranium or im going to imploooode
idk if this is weird but sometimes he's giving me egg vibes. like, transfem but doesnt know it yet. hes so much more in touch with his emotions and his sensitive side, im not used to that but its really nice. like, dating someone i dont constantly have to educate on everything, blessing fr.
ive also been out the gym since wednesday (5 days now) im probably going back tomorrow or the day after for an arms+cardio day because i dont want to stall my progress too much. tattoo has been healing up fine so far but i dont want to risk too much since the basic fit is like a germs breeding ground lol. (they fixed the leg press finally tho yay)
27 februari 2025
it feels like i wrote the last entry just yesterday because my days have been just to filled to the brim. lately i've barely had any time at all to catch my breath and im spread pretty thin.
Overall im doing okay but i have a hard time getting work, commuting, working out, meal prepping, cooking dinner and doing housekeeping and laundry and getting 8 hours of sleep all into my weekly planning.
most days i try to be in bed by 7 or 8 but i noticed i still struggle with the habit of staying up later than my bed time and i end up getting closer to 6 or 7 hours of sleep a night instead of my intended 8. (rip gains)
i also tend to forget a lot of things, not because of procrastination but just because im constantly busy and if i dont write it down somewhere ill come back to it i will just straight up forget about it. maybe i should make a list uhhhhhhh i have to
- order my stickers
- update my meal plan
- look into getting a personal trainer
- find a way to get my marathon training into my schedlie (I MISS RUNNING I MISS IT SO BAD I JUST DONT HAVE TIIIIMEEEEE)
- sketch out my table layout for the next convention
- plan out my vacation. (if time allows i want to go backpacking in spain in august yayy
- do my recipe entry for Robins seasonal zine
- draw....i want to draw *sob*
- start reading any (ANY) of the new books i got (i got a neat one with stories from a neuropsychiatrist
- write backstory stuff for next dnd session.
On the dating side of things i do kinda miss my previous guy...like theres moments i lowkey wish i didnt ask to go on a break because it was always good and fun when we were together but i just didnt feel any fulfillment from the stretches of time where we couldnt meet in person and had to make do with online chats.
i feel more chemistry with the guy im seeing now but he doesnt have the same confidence and its made me realise i dont really have the patience to do slow burn, like if i like you and you like me why are we not shagging already. boring.
anyways. i will probably wait around for him to open up more because i genuinely enjoy him and think hes a cool person but i just miss the physical side of the relationship rn and its making me antsy.
also havent seen my roommate in like two days?? where tf are they????
oh ive been listening to this persons youtube mixes a lot since exam period last year, i love the music its rlly calming.
22 februari 2026
i havent had a lot of time to work on coding website stuff lately. ive been super busy lately with working flil time, getting my workouts in and just housekeeping and living life in general.
a bunch of stuff happened too. i dated this guy for a little bit but after like two months i didnt want to put up with the mental stress of seeing someone long distance where our online communication styles were too different to make it work. it was nice while it lasted tho and im glad we're just staying friends now.
i have a date tonight which im actually pretty excited about, the guy im seeing has been such an all around green flag and leaves me the absolute nicest most adorable text messages :)
i also have my tattoo appointment with tessa von coming up which im suuuuuuuuper stoked about. ive been waiting forever to get work done by her. ive had this appointment booked since october last year, we're doing a leg piece spread over two days, i might post a picture here when its done or healed, ill see.
for the rest i dont have all that much to report, oh i've been on T for almost two months now! very cool very cool! most notable changes so far have been bottom growth, insane amount of chest and back acne (help) and feeling out of touch asf with my cycle (help) but im happier now than ive been in a long time. cheers to that! i literally remember last year during winter i wolid just cry every day because i thought i was never going to get help or get off that stupid waitlist so comparing that to how i feel now is like great progress lol. im not really seeing the gradual changes yet but Z said my jawline looks more defined and R said my nose looks more defined. i think thats because i look in the mirror every day so gradual changes like that are harder to keep track off. ohwell.
anyway im still going to the gym before my date tonight but its raining again. man.
im ready for rain/hail/snow slop season to be overrrrrr i hate biking in the rain
5 januari 2026
Ive had a lot going on in the end of 2025 but also not at all, im still passing most of my days bedrotting bcs i find it difficlit to break out of a routine ive built on my comfort but i recently went out of my way to start running again. i like running because i dont have to think while doing and it makes me forget about the guilt i feel for being unproductive. which ive been for like...half a year now. i have this year now that i just dont know how to fill up and i missed the academic sign-on period so im just floundering. feeling like i need to look for a job but also completely and utterly unmotivated by that prospect. im just lucky im in this with a roommate who i really care about and makes me want to do better for myself even if its hard.
i also started dating again and after a bunch (2) botched attempts at first dates with guys that left me confused and guessing at what they wanted from me i pretty much struck gold on a guy whos a total sweetheart. thing is im incredibly unpracticed at the art of 'dating' (i havent dated since i was like 19 and sort of lost interest since then) so i once more have no fucking clue what im doing. i can just make it up as i go.
justβ god please dont let me fumble this man.
other than that i dont have a ton going for me right now.
i set a bunch of new years resolutions. get my drivers license, run my first 10K race (i ran 8k the other day getting back into running and almost crippled myself bcs i forgot to stretch after), get a new tattoo (already booked lets fucking go) among a bunch of other things.
im hearing a lot of 2026 is going to be THE year for us but im feeling slow and lethargic.
i have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow with my endo and afaik i will be getting my HRT prescription tomorrow? fuckin hype.
oh and its been snowing a bunch since yesterday.
i love snow
13 november 2025
Ive been on the couch all day so to get away from the couch-rot-despair im typing up another post.
Ive been struggling with procrastination more lately, which isn't a new thing by any means, but it has been getting worse which tends to come with the rise of seasonal depression. I tend to couch rot a lot when the weather sucks total ass and just have more days where the only thing i manage to do is maintain my basic body functions like eating, shitting, sleeping and basic hygiene.
I feel bad because a lot of aspects of my life suffer under rlie of this couch-rot version of me, i barely feel the need to text people at all so my social life takes a dunk. i feel a lot less energised in general because i only go out when i have to and im now also unemployed with no direction to my days.
that last one is causing me a bunch of stress since i basically have no plan for what to do now. i graduated from a concept art course last year which im really glad i did but with my follow up course falling through i had no plan B at all and now im a ship lost at sea.I still don't know if theres a chance i might go back for the same course next year if they start it up again but the point stands that 2025-2026 is a empty year in my academic calendar.
Im going to try to get a part time job and start my side hustle up again next spring just so i have something to do that puts bread on my table, after that im still not sure what im going to do.
i feel like at this point most people my age bagged a bachelors or masters degree or have steady jobs and despite having achieved some significant feats i still feel like im floundering, trying to catch up to other peoples achievements.
I know most people don't have their life together at 25 but every day im deepening the ass-indent on my couch is a day that i lost that i havent been 'productive' or worked on realising my dreams.
which is causing me a lot of stress now that i think about it.
This all sounds rather depressing but im just going through my thought cycle that i usually bring to my psychologist, my last appointment got cancelled and the change in routine is throwing me pretty bad so im trying to metabolise my own doomthinking cycle and self-helping my way through it until i can go back in december. (yay!) Im trying to write a lot of my thoughts down whenever i have enough energy to and it does help. i still have to find a way to keep myself accountable with the whole procrastinating thing in case it gets worse.
im also going to try this new thing where i just make a big large humongous list of every single notable thing i have to do or catch up with and just try to focus on one thing per day. and break the to-do down into smaller points to make tasks more manageable. im not sure how well this is going to work but i'll try to update on how thats going here later.
