17 mei 2025
gender blues and puberty at 25
ive been feeling gross about my body lately. ive been on T for 5 months and its been a trip, since im (still) on half dose its going very slowly for me, the only things that have significantly changed for me have been my voice dropping, its so cracky and im constantly trying to find the right pitch when im talking (its kind of unfortunate, when im at work and im talking to talk to customers and half my words are cutting out because im trying to talk in the octave ive been used to talking with my whole life.) im sure this will even out with time but some voice training or something would be nice, idk.
gym progress has been nice, i really enjoy going and it makes me feel better about myself, im thinking about signing up with a local gym and getting a PT sometime in summer. i need to talk to my psych about top surgery planning before i do tho, i think it'll be good to have that as a point to work towards.
what makes me feel gross most of all is the acne and the puberty centric skin issues that come with ..puberty. like it just makes me feel so insecure and gross.
sometimes when im in the gym im just like 'oh no what if people think im on anabolic steroids' when im working out in a top that shows my acne. ive been using two different topical washes for it to make it go away but its only helping a little bit.
and third im a bit jaded now after getting an STI from someone i slept with without prior checking their background or wether they got tested recently. which is my bad, in part. at least i know now to always check beforehand.
sometimes it gets worse before it gets better and puberty is awkward, but it beats sitting around and doing nothing.
16 mei 2025
tired
just got home from work and did groceries after, cooked myself a big bowl of leftovers and im chilling in bed now. Im going to try to get a bunch of my sunday chores done tonight so my day will be less loaded tomorrow.
i had so many thoughts this morning but after a 9hr day of work i just feel kinda deflated and ready for bed n most of em are already forgotten.
i dont think im made for retail. ive been working in retail since i got out of highschool and i just always end up quitting my jobs because i dont find the type of work fulfilling and it tires me out or overwhelms me. dont get me wrong i love working with people and helping people find what they need n everything but a day entirely comprised of fast paced customer interactions where you never actually get to talk to people drains me so bad.
i also felt like i was getting sick yesterday, slept for 9-10 hours today, woke up feeling better but now im having these weird infected pimples on some spots of my body, ive literally never had these before its weird.
i have two on my elbow, one on my neck, and two on my groin and they hurt really bad. im sure theyll go away eventually but its annoying.
im also making an appointment to get a second dose of antibiotics because my follow up STI test came out positive. i was really hoping it wouldnt fml fml fmllllllll
im going to put my laundry in, shower and put on a movie and chill for the rest of the evening, its been a long week
14 mei 2025
Im home from work because todays a holiday, dont really have anything planned for once which i SO appreciate. i had a date planned but he cancelled which i honestly dont mind bcs i actually need some me time rn. i woke up at around 9, made a chocolate smoothie bowl for breakfast and then started sorting my leftover merch and con supplies and now im updating my site a little. i might still go to the gym later today but its probably going to be busy as hell since everyones home for the holiday.
im going to clean up my con supplies that are strewn over my bedroom and then probably clean the kitchen and maybe work on setting up my artfight for this year. might use notion to keep track of everything, ill see.
oh i also got these bags of candy dates from the mall and they taste so good wtf, i already went back to get more. theyre from this brand called true dates, my favourite flavour so far is the sour apple one, they taste more apple-y than any other apple candy ive ever had.
i do think you need to like the taste of dates to enjoy these but i generally dont eat candy/gelatin candy and these are a nice alternative! (they might be a bit too addicting tho bcs its so easy to finish a bag in just one sitting holy moly)
7 mei 2025
thought vomit
putting my thoughts in a bullet point list bcs theyre kinda all over the place, its 2 AM, i woke up a little while ago with a sore throat and made a big pot of lavender and sage tea and ive been sucking on a whole pack of strepsils to make it go down. gotta go get new ones tomorrow.
• Im kind of annoyed at my roommate lately because i feel like they havent been pulling their weight around the house when it comes to keeping the place clean and sanitary. i usually clean the upstairs, kitchen and living room and they usually do the bathroom but it hasnt been cleaned in way too long and its getting quite dirty. one of my cats pooped on a pile of their clothes and they needed me to tell them to clean it rather than doing it out of themselves which annoys me aswell. like if you notice somethings dirty or smells off just clean it.
Sometimes i also think its like...noticable that theyre an only child in the sense that they will only take care of their own things like for example, when i do the dishes i just...do the dishes, i wash and dry everything thats in the sink but when they do the dishes they will only clean the plates or cups they used and leave the one i used sitting dirty in the sink. like dont piss me off lmao.
i should probably bring it up at some point bcs its one of those small annoyances that nags at me.
• I need to book a new appointment to get an STD test bcs i got treated for an STI two weeks ago. had to be celibate during those two weeks and ive been eating the wallpaper off my walls, that test better come back negative or im going to crash out.
• uhhh gender related thoughts lately have been pretty euphoric, feeling good on that front. im trying to find a way to come to terms with the fact that im probably some sort of nonbinary but i dont fuck with the label 'nonbinary'. like i just dont fuck with labels or boxes or identifiers or gender markers in general, the only label ive ever felt comfortable with is 'trans', not trans 'trans man' or 'transmasc' because i dont want to transition from a woman into a man, thats not and has never been my goal. im just transitioning from someone who felt shitty in my body to someome who feels good in their body by changing some of the primary gender markers and thats still a valid transition. working out has helped a lot too. i think its a pretty underrated form of gender affirming care and its been very beneficial to me personally. it also just makes me go WEEE YOPPEE whenever i can move up in weights on literally any exercise lmao.
• started another new job last week. ive been job hopping so much this year its not even funny but the place i work out now has been really nice so far, my coworkers are all really nice and the days go by pretty fast. i work at a craft store now and its fun to see everyones craft and art projects to be.
• im saving up to buy a new laptop and pay my college tuition fee. my current laptop is falling apart. literally. the hinge broke and the screen and bottom are two separate pieces now theyre barely attached (dont ask me how im typing this) its not even that old idk how it happened. anyway saving money, im taking a break from cons because they take up too much brain space but i might start doing commissions again at some point to help raise some money for that.
• need to take my mom out for dinner for mothers day, i feel like i havent appreciated her enough lately. we dont really see eye to eye on most things but shes still my mom and shes done a lot for me in the past. i dont think ill ever go back to actively having her in my life but shes the only family member i still talk to sporadically and i think just a once every few months coffee or dinner together to catch up might be nice. i can make my peace with that.
• oh i was at the laundromat tonight to wash my duvet and the washing machine it was in was leaking a bucketload of water while spinning it was really bad, the owner came in to clean it tho. he cleaned the whole place and told me about how the dryer lint that floats around on the floor annoys him and we kinda laughed about it. 15 minutes before closing hes getting ready to leave and i pull my duvet out the dryer and it spilled out a bunch of loose feathers and lint on the floor as i took it out and he like, looked at it, sighed, took off his jacket again and pulled out his vaccuum to start cleaning all the feather again i felt so baddd but i just apologised several times and left...IDK WHAT ELSE I SHOULDVE DONE HGAHGA.
• mmmm dating several people has been nice, finding myself catching feelings a lil bit maybe for a punk enby guy im seeing but its still early + no idea where its going.
another guy im seeing is also nice, i like him but so far hes not putting in the amount of effort i want out of someone i want to be seeing on a serious basis idk. its not that my standards are too high its just that hes not showing enough interest to show me that hes actually invested in me. (smth about gamer dudes idk what it is)
im kinda craving a sweet beefy butch lesbian who will make me breakfast while i sleep in and buy me flowers and infodump to me about their niche interest. or a gym bro who gets like REALLY excited about my banana bread and sends me lots of bicep pics. maybe both. both would be good.
• i kinda randomly got recruited into a student association last week by a friend of a friend, so i might join them in september bcs i dont know if i have the time or energy to get into it right now, seems fun. we went to see devil wears prada 2 with some people of their group after day one of a small art market i was at on saturday.
went for indian food with sasha after teardown on day 2, also ran into an old classmate whos also doing artist alley now, hes still as awkward as i remember him being but genuinely a nice guy, makes some really cool art and he also commissioned me yay :]
29 april 2025
i was just thinking about how i get jealous of my cats because they have, in my opinion the most chill lifestyle i can imagine. they get fed as much as they need without needing to worry, they have tons of space and can go outside, get lots of pets and cuddles and just kinda lay around without a care. but then i thought that lifestyle also ends with me, if i suddenly cease to be around to care for them then that would undoubtably also change, they would probably go to another home where they get taken care of just as well but it does make me pause to envy cats or by extension other peoples lifestyles who strongly depend on others to be taken care of. makes me think if im my own primary caretaker and can do as much things by myself then i wont need to stress as much about other peoples impact on my quality of life, right? but then again people come and people go, so i should just allow myself to enjoy the benefits and care they bring into my life. i dont know where im going with this. idk maybe this is also dismissive of our human nature of relying on others as a means of survival. theres like a silver lining between living in a vaccuum and being fully independent that im very much figuring out now. i have to figure a bunch of things out how to do without support from family now, which seems something thats easily taken for granted, while also trying to build more community, especially queer community around myself. (which is very slow going but im glad for all the nice people i met in the past few weeks) i hope that one day ill be comfortable letting myself be carried by other people i care about without having to worry about it.
anywaaaay...gym time :D
im going to switch from fullbody workouts to a 4 day training split soon, going to do 2 leg days and 2 upper body days a week because while long workouts are nice, sometimes theyre just harder to fit into my schedule because i need to block out at least 2 hours for it a day.
i also kinda want to try to start getting into calisthenics at some point but thats not really a priority rn, all ill probably do for now is try to maybe incorporate pullups in my upper body days.
04 April 2025
Soms sta ik er wel bij stil dat mijn relatie met mijn ouders vrijwel niet bestaand is, das een gedachte die ver in mijn achterhoofd aanwezig is en bij stille momenten af en toe naar voor treed en elke keer overvalt het mij toch wel. Die gedachte word vrijwel altijd meteen opgevolgd door het proberen relativeren ervan.
ik ben 25 en veel (in mijn hoofd meeste) mensen van mijn leeftijdsklasse zijn ook al het huis uit en doen he zelfstandig prima (ik ook op zich maar ok) en hebben dus hun ouders niet nodig. dus ik zou er ook geen nood aan moeten hebben maar toch.
ik stond er nu net eigenlijk voor het eerst bij stil dat het iets is dat ik effectief mis. gaan eten bij mama en papa of met de familie op uitstap ofzo, das voor zoveel mensen iets gewoons iets alledaags en ik sta er als buitenstaander op te kijken.
en als ik er dan enigzins emotioneel bij word krijgt die gedachte een scherp kantje, en denk ik aan alle smerige herrineringen die ik aan mijn familie heb en dat tint heel mijn gedachtencyclus met een vieze nasmaak en berg ik de hele hoop terug weg voor later. hang er een plaatje voor met een idyllisch tafereel van een familie paasbrunch. netjes.
12 maart 2025
its 18:45 which means i have 15 minutes to wordvomit out some thoughts on this page before i go to bed (ive been trying real hard to stick to my 8h sleep every night schedule, which unfortunately means going to bed at 7 so i can get up at 3:30 to go to the gym before my shift.
its been a lot of trial and error and tetrissing things to get everything into my schedule but i hope it will get easier within the next couple weeks.
im likely not signing up to atsusacon as a vendor this year.
its only like half an hour from my house this year but i want a timeframe where i can have some peace of mind before starting school in september and not feel like i have to pump out new merch.
im looking forward to artfight this year tho!
also i just started to get sniffly again. pls allergies stay away :(
i'd love to get back into running but i feel like if i have to shoehorn that into my daily planning im just going to burn out. so alas, tis with a heavy heart that i must post pone my half marathon training to the second half of the year :[
got grocery shopping planned tomorrow hehe im going to bulk buy so many foods.
i fuckn love doing grocery shopping. (colruyt only. any other grocery store makes me overstimulated asf.
also. (last note i prommy) my voice has been lowering a bunch and i didnt realise that i have to kind of....change the way i talk now? idk its cool but it feels weird.
(i might start including a vid in every entry, ive been listening to some of these genshin/starrail playlists. i havent played since fontaine came out but i like these theyre fun)6 maart 2025
i am fighting demons (going through puberty at 25)
bro i have been horny 24/7 since my last T shot, when my date comes over sunday i better get my brain blasted through the back of my cranium or im going to imploooode
idk if this is weird but sometimes he's giving me egg vibes. like, transfem but doesnt know it yet. hes so much more in touch with his emotions and his sensitive side, im not used to that but its really nice. like, dating someone i dont constantly have to educate on everything, blessing fr.
ive also been out the gym since wednesday (5 days now) im probably going back tomorrow or the day after for an arms+cardio day because i dont want to stall my progress too much. tattoo has been healing up fine so far but i dont want to risk too much since the basic fit is like a germs breeding ground lol. (they fixed the leg press finally tho yay)
27 februari 2025
it feels like i wrote the last entry just yesterday because my days have been just to filled to the brim. lately i've barely had any time at all to catch my breath and im spread pretty thin.
Overall im doing okay but i have a hard time getting work, commuting, working out, meal prepping, cooking dinner and doing housekeeping and laundry and getting 8 hours of sleep all into my weekly planning.
most days i try to be in bed by 7 or 8 but i noticed i still struggle with the habit of staying up later than my bed time and i end up getting closer to 6 or 7 hours of sleep a night instead of my intended 8. (rip gains)
i also tend to forget a lot of things, not because of procrastination but just because im constantly busy and if i dont write it down somewhere ill come back to it i will just straight up forget about it. maybe i should make a list uhhhhhhh i have to
- order my stickers
- update my meal plan
- look into getting a personal trainer
- find a way to get my marathon training into my schedlie (I MISS RUNNING I MISS IT SO BAD I JUST DONT HAVE TIIIIMEEEEE)
- sketch out my table layout for the next convention
- plan out my vacation. (if time allows i want to go backpacking in spain in august yayy
- do my recipe entry for Robins seasonal zine
- draw....i want to draw *sob*
- start reading any (ANY) of the new books i got (i got a neat one with stories from a neuropsychiatrist
- write backstory stuff for next dnd session.
On the dating side of things i do kinda miss my previous guy...like theres moments i lowkey wish i didnt ask to go on a break because it was always good and fun when we were together but i just didnt feel any fulfillment from the stretches of time where we couldnt meet in person and had to make do with online chats.
i feel more chemistry with the guy im seeing now but he doesnt have the same confidence and its made me realise i dont really have the patience to do slow burn, like if i like you and you like me why are we not shagging already. boring.
anyways. i will probably wait around for him to open up more because i genuinely enjoy him and think hes a cool person but i just miss the physical side of the relationship rn and its making me antsy.
also havent seen my roommate in like two days?? where tf are they????
oh ive been listening to this persons youtube mixes a lot since exam period last year, i love the music its rlly calming.
22 februari 2025
i havent had a lot of time to work on coding website stuff lately. ive been super busy lately with working flil time, getting my workouts in and just housekeeping and living life in general.
a bunch of stuff happened too. i dated this guy for a little bit but after like two months i didnt want to put up with the mental stress of seeing someone long distance where our online communication styles were too different to make it work. it was nice while it lasted tho and im glad we're just staying friends now.
i have a date tonight which im actually pretty excited about, the guy im seeing has been such an all around green flag and leaves me the absolute nicest most adorable text messages :)
i also have my tattoo appointment with tessa von coming up which im suuuuuuuuper stoked about. ive been waiting forever to get work done by her. ive had this appointment booked since october last year, we're doing a leg piece spread over two days, i might post a picture here when its done or healed, ill see.
for the rest i dont have all that much to report, oh i've been on T for almost two months now! very cool very cool! most notable changes so far have been bottom growth, insane amount of chest and back acne (help) and feeling out of touch asf with my cycle (help) but im happier now than ive been in a long time. cheers to that! i literally remember last year during winter i wolid just cry every day because i thought i was never going to get help or get off that stupid waitlist so comparing that to how i feel now is like great progress lol. im not really seeing the gradual changes yet but Z said my jawline looks more defined and R said my nose looks more defined. i think thats because i look in the mirror every day so gradual changes like that are harder to keep track off. ohwell.
anyway im still going to the gym before my date tonight but its raining again. man.
im ready for rain/hail/snow slop season to be overrrrrr i hate biking in the rain
5 januari 2025
Ive had a lot going on in the end of 2025 but also not at all, im still passing most of my days bedrotting bcs i find it difficlit to break out of a routine ive built on my comfort but i recently went out of my way to start running again. i like running because i dont have to think while doing and it makes me forget about the guilt i feel for being unproductive. which ive been for like...half a year now. i have this year now that i just dont know how to fill up and i missed the academic sign-on period so im just floundering. feeling like i need to look for a job but also completely and utterly unmotivated by that prospect. im just lucky im in this with a roommate who i really care about and makes me want to do better for myself even if its hard.
i also started dating again and after a bunch (2) botched attempts at first dates with guys that left me confused and guessing at what they wanted from me i pretty much struck gold on a guy whos a total sweetheart. thing is im incredibly unpracticed at the art of 'dating' (i havent dated since i was like 19 and sort of lost interest since then) so i once more have no fucking clue what im doing. i can just make it up as i go.
just— god please dont let me fumble this man.
other than that i dont have a ton going for me right now.
i set a bunch of new years resolutions. get my drivers license, run my first 10K race (i ran 8k the other day getting back into running and almost crippled myself bcs i forgot to stretch after), get a new tattoo (already booked lets fucking go) among a bunch of other things.
im hearing a lot of 2026 is going to be THE year for us but im feeling slow and lethargic.
i have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow with my endo and afaik i will be getting my HRT prescription tomorrow? fuckin hype.
oh and its been snowing a bunch since yesterday.
i love snow
13 november 2025
Ive been on the couch all day so to get away from the couch-rot-despair im typing up another post.
Ive been struggling with procrastination more lately, which isn't a new thing by any means, but it has been getting worse which tends to come with the rise of seasonal depression. I tend to couch rot a lot when the weather sucks total ass and just have more days where the only thing i manage to do is maintain my basic body functions like eating, shitting, sleeping and basic hygiene.
I feel bad because a lot of aspects of my life suffer under rlie of this couch-rot version of me, i barely feel the need to text people at all so my social life takes a dunk. i feel a lot less energised in general because i only go out when i have to and im now also unemployed with no direction to my days.
that last one is causing me a bunch of stress since i basically have no plan for what to do now. i graduated from a concept art course last year which im really glad i did but with my follow up course falling through i had no plan B at all and now im a ship lost at sea.I still don't know if theres a chance i might go back for the same course next year if they start it up again but the point stands that 2025-2026 is a empty year in my academic calendar.
Im going to try to get a part time job and start my side hustle up again next spring just so i have something to do that puts bread on my table, after that im still not sure what im going to do.
i feel like at this point most people my age bagged a bachelors or masters degree or have steady jobs and despite having achieved some significant feats i still feel like im floundering, trying to catch up to other peoples achievements.
I know most people don't have their life together at 25 but every day im deepening the ass-indent on my couch is a day that i lost that i havent been 'productive' or worked on realising my dreams.
which is causing me a lot of stress now that i think about it.
This all sounds rather depressing but im just going through my thought cycle that i usually bring to my psychologist, my last appointment got cancelled and the change in routine is throwing me pretty bad so im trying to metabolise my own doomthinking cycle and self-helping my way through it until i can go back in december. (yay!) Im trying to write a lot of my thoughts down whenever i have enough energy to and it does help. i still have to find a way to keep myself accountable with the whole procrastinating thing in case it gets worse.
im also going to try this new thing where i just make a big large humongous list of every single notable thing i have to do or catch up with and just try to focus on one thing per day. and break the to-do down into smaller points to make tasks more manageable. im not sure how well this is going to work but i'll try to update on how thats going here later.
